They say the French fall in love fast and furiously, throwing all caution to the wind, acting on an impulsive drive of intense passion and romanticism. This being rather attractive on many levels can seem overwhelmingly exciting, and incredibly exotic when you compare it with the tentative manner of British culture. However, having had a continuous discussion with my fellow ex-pat about the nature of boy/girl relationships in Marseille and the classic romanticism and slightly patriarchal attitude towards the nature of dating in French culture, I started to reflect on the contemporary format that has evolved in British culture with regard to the formulation of relationships as well as the casual nature of sex, ‘seeing’ someone and the realm that is ‘dating’. It is apparent that one cannot easily translate one’s own cultural preferences to another, and that sometimes, what we take for granted in our normal cultural behaviors is something we seriously come to appreciate when adapting to foreign attitudes.
Personally, I believe the British culture has a much more equal manner of boy-girl relationships and we grow up in school and university environments that much nurtures such friendships which can at times, blur the boundaries of friendship, love and sex. French girls are believed to be classic, expect to be dated and dined in the traditional manner, and less likely to let their hair down. It is rare that French girls have very close guy friends unless they have grown up as family friends, went to school together, or have become friends through other couples. The French are passionate, intense and quick to fall in love, quite aptly described in the French proverb: avoir un coeur d’artichaut. This draws parallels between the artichoke heart and the French heart: many leaves encase the artichoke heart and each leaf pealed from the artichoke heart resonates with the French heart who gives a bit of love to all those who are worthwhile thus suggesting the fickle nature of French romanticism and perhaps appealing to its more sexual reputation. It is certainly true that the French nature of dating, especially from a female’s point of view, can be attractive, yet it is laced with an intensity that can sometimes be read as possessive and jealous.
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There is also the question of one-night stands and ‘seeing’ people. This really does not exist in French society, not to girls anyway. French guys are certainly hot on the prowl more than they would like to admit, and the idea of seeing someone doesn’t even translate into the French language. One cannot simply say ‘je vois quelqu’un’ : this expression does not exist in French when translating from English– instead they are immediately one’s ‘copine’ or ‘copain’ (girlfriend/boyfriend) without any trial period or notion that it could just be a casual relationship on both sides. Obviously these are mass generalisations: I have met varying types of people during my time in France, some more traditional, others rather liberal, and some that cross both ideals. Nonetheless, it is an observation worth discussing. Casual sexual relationships are not read as something honest, convenient and simple between people, it is already viewed as a history regardless of it lasting for perhaps one night to a few weeks or even longer. It seems trial and error is not something that coordinates with the impulsive attitude of the French.
One thing that has become obvious is that it is not easy for an independent female to conduct friendships with males without their being a question of sex or a question of our own intentions and moral attitude or history for that matter. I am fast learning that one needs to be rather savvy, and less warming in certain cases. Often told to keep my wits about me, I find myself having the same argument: I do not want to change my character or adapt my cultural instincts on the basis of French culture just because I have moved here. Question: can a girl be friends with guys in such a society – whether yours or his intentions are toujours read as innocent, or in actual fact there exists a continuous underlying sexual intention? I could even the say the same for guys and french girls (ex-pat*). Should I turn down or change my approach to guys using the warning that they might have an ulterior motive? Can I act on such notions just because one or two French people might have warned me against that? Not really. It goes against my nature. This is when patriarchal comes in to the equation. It is rather obvious that French guys hold the idea that girls will weaken to a guy’s persistent approach – whether it be an alcohol fuelled situation or a simple soirée à la maison on a Sunday night or the persistent giving of flowers in exchange for a date. One can’t simply ‘hang out’ without someone questioning one’s motive or honesty. Bizarre, but thoroughly entertaining.
There is also the question of contact, and the timings of texting, calling and Facebook. Considering our generation in general is ridiculously hooked to mobile phones and social networking, it seems people in France are attached to his or her mobile phones more than the average westerner, constantly wanting contact whether it be by text or Facebook. If you don’t text, or are possibly busy, expect to be quizzed and at times, doubted.
I am certainly aware of a fast growing appreciation for the British model of relationships. The gossip from home always includes a snippet of someone engaging in a casual relation with another, unsure of what they want or where it is leading but one thing is for certain: it is not official. There have been times in Marseille, where I have seen a relation as rather casual and off record, as has my fellow ex-pat. Both of us had been rather comfortable in our single selves, testing the waters, meeting different people, unsure of what to take from certain encounters thus taking a precautionary ‘lets not rush the situation’ approach. Instead we overhear conversations concerning sentences such as ‘c’est ma copine’ having not even had a conversation with said person about what the hell is going on ourselves, and that calling on someone at 3am for a casual bootie call is rather unacceptable despite the relation starting in such circumstances (that wasn’t me by the way). Oh dear. For all its worth, I know the Brits are considered irritatingly over polite and ‘accueillant’ (– aptly described by a French colleague), but I have come to realise the beauty of frankness that the English language accommodates, and the quality of honesty that follows when it comes to conducting boy-girl relationships.
fisforfrance. 